Tyler and I went to Cafe Rio-now deemed our "Last Supper"--and because I wasn't feeling well, we went home. We watched some episodes of our favorite TV shows, The Office and Modern Family. It was past midnight and we decided to go to bed. I told Tyler that I was noticing a lot of contractions. However, they were not painful so it was hard for me to monitor how close they were coming; I couldn't tell when they were starting and when they were stopping. We decided that if anything was different in the morning we would call the doctor, but I didn't think twice about it. Apparently, Tyler did.
He began to ask me a bunch of questions all of a sudden. I was shocked because he never asked questions about baby care so I assumed he knew about it. He wanted to know everything! So at 1:00 a.m. I taught him as much as I could and even used a stuffed green frog to help him learn to change a diaper. We talked about how our lives were going to change quickly. It was a sweet moment between us and I will never forget it. We said a prayer that night and I told my Father in Heaven that if it be His will, we were ready to take care of these little boys. I also told my cousin Joey earlier that day I was going to have the boys "tomorrow." I told him I was sending my energy out into the universe and the cosmos would produce something for me--apparently I have very powerful energy.
November 21 7:15 a.m.
I went to the bathroom. Big shock right? Well if you have never been pregnant I guess it is hard to explain the sensation of going to the bathroom. I always seemed to be leaking fluids so when I was walking to the bathroom, I felt it was normal to have a little...well...you know. When I sat on the toilet, delirious from sleepiness, the sudden gush of fluids was unusual. My bladder had been the size of a pea for so long that it didn't stand to hold that much fluid. A sudden flashback from What to Expect When You're Expecting came into my head. I had laughed reading a question from a reader; "How do I know if my water broke?" I had thought to myself, Duh you have water coming out your...well...you know. So as I was sitting on the toilet, I repented for my critical thinking and asked myself the same question. Could I be that lucky? I had been in tears constantly for two weeks because I was so uncomfortable, couldn't sleep, could hardly eat and breathe. My belly measured 45 inches around the circumference! I had prayed, wished, hoped for this to happen. But did it just happen?
It took nearly ten minutes of toilet time for me to convince myself that the "membranes had ruptured" and it was go time. I went to wake up Tyler, who shot out of bed when he finally figured out I was mouthing "My water broke" (For those of you who don't know, Tyler wears hearing aids and of course, sleeps without them) He shot out of bed, called the hospital, and was shocked that all I wanted to do was "take a shower" and please ask the nurse if that was ok. The nurse on the line said I was fine to shower and come in as soon as possible. We only live minutes from the hospital, so I wasn't worried. Tyler, in the mean time, rushed around getting everything ready in the last minute and was refusing a shower but submitted when I refused to leave until he did. We snapped this last minute picture to show how big I was and to celebrate that I wasn't going to get any bigger.
Hospital 11:00 a.m.
Not dilated at all. We had checked into the hospital. I was still gushing fluids. "Gush" is the perfect word for that experience by the way. I was having contractions every 2-5 minutes. I was on track but not dilated. I met my doctor on call, Dr. Yamashiro. Met the nurses. Was already dying of thirst, but not dilated. I was ok with that for now. The pitocin was started and things were going to move forward. To reduce the risk of infection the nurses were not going to check my cervix again until I felt like I needed the epidural. I only had to dilate to a 3 or a 4 because of my water breaking and then they would administer the epidural. So I was ready to watch the Jon and Kate plus 8 marathon on TV (very fitting for my multiples on the way) and Tyler watched the Utah game on his laptop. The contractions were still barely noticeable and I was comfortable.
4:00 p.m.
The contractions were at a point where they were feeling like painful period cramps. They weren't bad, but they were coming 2-3 minutes apart, so I was starting to feel uncomfortable. I thought I would have the nurse check my dilation. I was hopeful. 5, 6, maybe even 7. The universe was on my side today. The blinding pain of the nurse not being able to initially "reach" the cervix should have told me; I was only a 3. Disappointment, frustration, exhaustion. "Do you want the epidural?" It was going to be a long night. I was tired and uncomfortable but the pain was still bearable. I was worried that the epidural would slow the progress of dilation like the Doctor warned it could, but I needed to sleep, so "Yes." This was the most positive experience about my labor--not the epidural--but the fact that I never experienced real labor pains. You couldn't ask me what it felt like, I never knew--but before you send curses my way, understand that the pain that would come later on was pretty intense, so I had my fair share of suffering.
The epidural didn't go too smoothly. When you hear the phrase "you had a vein rupture, we need to do this again" it doesn't give you much hope in your already dwindling state of mind. However, Tyler looked worse than I did during the procedure. Epidural in. Catheter? I told the nurse I wasn't numb yet. I could still feel my legs. She said I wouldn't feel it. I felt it. I never did go completely numb so all night I was in this weird phase of feeling like my legs had fallen asleep and yet not being able to shake them awake. Not painful, but super annoying.
9:00 p.m.
A few hours after the epidural had been administered, a new nurse came on. She decided to check my dilation. I watched her face and knew it wasn't good news. "What did she say you were dilated to?" I am supposed to be a 3 "Yeah you are only a 1." Apparently the nurse on the previous shift was not a labor and delivery nurse, but a nurse training in labor and delivery. "She could have had really small fingers." I was not amused. The nurse had a second nurse come in to place an internal contraction monitor to better track the needed dosage of pitocin. That nurse said she would say I was "almost a 2" and I know she said it to make me feel better.
November 22 2:00 a.m.
Still no sleep. Still feeling my legs. Starting to be able to feel my left side. Tyler snoring. My mother looked like an eskimo because I had the air conditioning turned up all the way and was still too hot. Nurse came in. Still a 2. "Try to sleep."
5:00-7:00 a.m.
Still no sleep. Still feeling my legs. Feeling painful on the left side. The nurse came in. Still a 2. "When Dr. Yamashiro comes back he will probably want to do a C-Section." Light at the end of the tunnel. I was disappointed that we didn't deliver vaginally, but I was told all during my pregnancy that a C-Section was probably the most likely scenario. The doctor came in and examined me as well. He said he would give me one hour to make any progress otherwise we were going to go ahead with the operation. I cursed him under my breath. It would be just my luck after 24 hours in labor that all of a sudden I jump to a 5 and he makes me wait longer. I was lucky after all.
7:30 a.m.
No progress. Sigh of relief. Time for the C-section. In a matter of 15 minutes I was given a larger dose of epidural (finally these blasted legs were numb!), rolled out of the labor room, into the operating room which felt like heaven because it was finally cool enough to be comfortable, and lying on an operating table being prepped to be cut open. I remember being so tired. The doctors and nurses were talking about how some nurse had set up the room wrong. I was dosing. Tyler came in dressed in his sterile outfit.
The doctor said something about iodine and my belly being orange for a few days and before I knew it the anesthesiologist was telling Tyler to get the camera ready, "Baby A is coming out."
Everything changed.
7:59 a.m.
Benjamin James Rice made me a mother.
8:00 a.m.
Wilson Tyler Rice made me a mother of two.
Here they were. My perfect little boys. I hadn't even seen them yet. For the first ten or fifteen minutes of their lives I could only listen to their cries because a screen was between me and them. When the nurse finally brought over Benjamin I was shocked to see that there really was a little baby that had come out of me. Then Wilson was brought over and I saw them both together. They were so sweet and I couldn't understand what I was feeling for them. It was amazing. When they were taken to the NICU I felt like part of me was leaving with them. I hadn't even held them yet and I knew I would never be able to let them go.
I was wheeled out of the operating room and back into the labor room where my family was waiting. Had they seen the boys? Yes, they had and they couldn't stop talking about them. They had so much hair! They were in the same crib together! They were in the NICU but Wilson may be coming out soon. At this point, they were still Baby A and Baby B. I was shaking and tired and overwhelmed. Tyler put on the video of their birth and I felt detached as I watched it. The nurse said I did well in the operating room. The doctor came in and said I should be able to deliver at least 5 more babies vaginally after the way he sewed me up. Right Doc. Where were my babies?
When I was wheeled up to the recovery room, I was told that I had to wait at least 4 hours until I could see them. The epidural needed to wear off. It was 10:00 a.m. by then and I already hadn't seen them for two hours. So that meant 2:00? That was 8 hours. 8 hours after their birth I would be able to see them for a second time. I couldn't believe it. My family and Tyler came in and out all morning telling me how they were doing, taking pictures, and reassuring me that everything was ok. I cried to Tyler that it wasn't fair that I couldn't see my babies and everyone else could. It was the beginning of a long road.
By 12:00 p.m. I was in pain. I was given morphine after the C-Section that was supposed to last 24 hours. It had been 3. I felt like my stomach was being ripped open from the inside out. It started as a small burning sensation and by the time I convinced the nurse that I was feeling pain and needed something I was in tears, again. She had to check if I could have meds through my IV. Half hour later--no I can't. She needed to have the doctor write me a prescription for pain meds. In the mean-time I needed to eat something so I could take the pills. She gave me crackers and Sprite. Another half hour. They needed to examine me. That meant rolling onto my side. Are you kidding me? Engage my abdominal muscles when I can feel the pain?! They offered me an ice pack. When the pain meds finally kicked in, I was so frustrated with how the day was playing out that it didn't matter that I could still feel the burn of the scar. I didn't care. I wanted to go to the NICU.
2:30 p.m.
The nurse and CNA finally came back to help me get prepped to go down to the NICU. Standing up made me nearly faint. I was nauseous and tired and dizzy. The nurse asked me several times if I was sure I wanted to go or did I just want to rest some more. I almost bit her face off. Really. With my teeth. I had to take a bucket with me while in the wheelchair because I was so sick, but I wasn't going to let anything stop me! Here is a picture of me going to see the boys for the first time.
When I got to the NICU, the boys were hooked up to all kinds of monitors and machines. It was hard for me to see them this way. It wasn't how I expected to spend time with my babies for the first time. At the same time, there were babies in there far worse off then my boys, so I was grateful.
Nobody had held them yet so even though I was the last to spend time with them, I was the first to hold them. It was a very special experience and hard to put into words without sounding cheesy, cliche, melodramatic, etc. But I will never forget holding the two of them for the first time and watching Tyler hold them as well.
The next several days and weeks were nothing short of a nightmare. I spent four days in the hospital and came home the afternoon of Thanksgiving Day. Leaving the boys behind made the holiday seem grim and unenjoyable. The boys had to stay in the NICU and we were told that it was an indefinite amount of time. Benjamin had a lot of fluid in his lungs when he was born and relied heavily on oxygen for breathing. Wilson was having trouble keeping his body temperature up. Their problems would escalate slightly before they began to get better. They began to have trouble eating, so feeding tubes were put in. They both couldn't hold their temperatures so they were placed in incubators to keep them warm. They were given a round of antibiotics because they had some sort of infection and because their little veins in their hands couldn't hold the IV long enough, the IV lines were placed in their heads. They both developed jaundice so they had to be placed under photo therapy and Wilson too had to be placed on oxygen for about a week. Wilson came home after two weeks in the NICU and Benjamin came home exactly one month old.
During this time, I was a wreck. It was by far the hardest experience I have ever gone through. I can't tell you how difficult it was to leave my little boys alone in the hospital each night. I would hold each of them, whisper how much I loved them, tell them to brave and strong and then try not to cry before getting to the car. It was a lonely time for me because I felt that they were lonely. I prayed every night for angels to be with them, for our Father in Heaven to hold them in his arms while I couldn't. I know my prayers were answered but it was heartbreaking for me to only be able to see them and hold them twice a day. Sometimes I would stay at the hospital all day because I wasn't allowed to drive yet. It was difficult to be there because I was still recovering from my C-section and I also had some complications that landed me in the ER one night. Physical exhaustion coupled with mental exhaustion makes for trying times.
I had hit rock bottom but somehow, was still able to find within myself the little amount of strength I could to carry me through each day. I know that strength came from my Heavenly Father and without the gospel, I would have never been able to get through this experience. Along with that, the help of my family and friends was a humbling experience for me. So many people reached out to us during this time. I have learned what it means to be a better sister, daughter, mother, and friend because of all of you who put aside your lives to help me keep mine together.
My mom takes off work and comes every week. My mother-in-law would come and sit with Wilson while I went to the hospital to feed Benjamin and comes over when she can to help feed. My aunt Shawna comes every week to clean my house and also helps me feed. My sister Emily, cousin Madi, and great friend Brittney have all come to help me feed and care for the boys, as well as help with other things and they are all pregnant, not feeling their best, and Emily and Britt have two year olds!! My sister Lindsie spent her entire Christmas break helping me care for the boys. My sister-in-law Jamie who came over with Jake and Max barely having time to shower!! Everyone who has sent me dinners, flowers, messages, emails, and phone calls have all meant the world to me. I am touched that I have meant that much to each of you. I want you all to know that I think of each of you as my dearest friends and what you did, no matter how small the effort, did not go unnoticed. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
As for now, we are doing great, the boys are doing great, and we are all super tired but super happy. Our trials in life are but a moment and I am still learning to bear them well, but I thank you all for your help and most especially my husband who spent every night wiping my tears and holding my hand. I love you all! Happy New Year!
We were happy when we finally had our Benji on the road to recovery.
And we could all be home together again.
Ben loved the safety of the stroller.
